My eyes are burning. They are tired. I am tired.
Last year I had more energy for sure. Fear and anxiety. They don´t rule my life every day. Sometimes. And sadness. It´s always been a part of my life. Left behind, forgotten.
Burned into your soul. It´s hard to explain to the ‘world outside’.
It´s the little things that cheer you up or bring you down.
You´re not important enough you know.
Empathy is a great gift but also a curse.
I can´t even go and see the shelter cats because I identify myself too much with them.
It hurts. I see myself there. I recognized that today while talking to my shrink, pretending I am good.
I need to protect myself sometimes from the world outside. This world is like a sponge
that sucks out all your energy, your love and your passion.
You really love to give all of that but it often leaves you feeling numb, misunderstood and empty. You´re craving the most obvious and natural things but they seem so far away some days.
How must those shelter animals feel? I think I know how and yes it hurts.
Man, you sound like a cunt drowning in self pity or just like a child that always just wanted to feel loved and being worth the precious time of beings you admire and love.
Love love love. Blah.
After getting sick I´m craving more than ever for a peaceful time, fun, love and oneness.
The feeling of missing out makes you imprison yourself more and more.
It´s like you´re losing track.
But yeah, I know I do some days but never completely because I know great times await.
The world outside can kiss my arse for now.
Alvin & the Chipmunks on TV. Usually shit where you can switch off your brain, maybe getting a little annoyed after a while by the high pitched voices of the cute little chipmunks but still fun and meaningless to watch.
Bank holiday today. I don´t care… Well I do, because there´s no way to go to the forest or riding the trail along the river without meeting too many people. People who are in your way when you just wanna ride, when you just wanna float.
Yes, I´ve watched the remake of ‘IT’ and I didn´t like it. It bored me. Fuck that movie.
So, a day off, a perfect day to relax, taking it easy and maybe eating the Ben & Jerry´s ice cream I have bought yesterday. Watching children movies on telly.
But I´m floating. Not in the way I´d like to cos it doesn´t feel right. So many things you want to do, read, see and feel. But instead going for those things, you shut down and feeling stressed all the time. You lock yourself up. The others don´t get why you not “just do it” but how can you do shit when your hands are tied up in rusty chains that cut your wrists and you don´t even care about the pain it gives you?
Feelings are one of my passions I think and it kills me if I can´t live them. I simply don´t know (anymore or not yet) how to live them I guess.
Too many, too high walls and too much barbwire around my feelings that want to be freed, want to be lived and sometimes I think I can´t make it…
Thank God for Ben & Jerry´s.
It´s a funny feeling to kind of force yourself to stay awake until you almost pass out.
I got told by many people I should get rid of that “self torture”, getting rid of punishing myself.
But I don´t see it as a punishment. Don´t get me wrong, I like to sleep and relax.
But I simply can´t.
I feel haunted all the time.
Sometimes I´m “only” excited because I think I can make people happy with my doings and with things I`m saying.
I mean I can.
Maybe that´s my thing. Making people happy.
I don´t want to sound cocky but man, I know I´m damn good at making people smile.
And you know why I can? Because I mean it, it all comes from my heart and they know and recognize it.
I´m just staying awake until my mind shuts down and I´m feeling numb, feeling nothing because then my mind is too tired to be scared and stops worrying about things.
Sometimes it´s just hard to accept the loneliness while people around you are smiling.
The mind is bursting into pieces.
The universe is the mind and we made it explode. But don´t worry.
It happens every day, every hour, every second. It´s a fucking loop.
A time loop where time doesn´t exist.
Time doesn´t exist.
It´s a made up thing to blind us. I´m not blind but still it hunts me.
How can something hunt you that doesn´t exist?
‘We need to keep the madness alive to free ourselves one day.’ I got told.
Or was it me who said it?
It doesn´t matter because it is the truth and we need to stay true to ourselves
to make sure we are not blinded by time.
Who says red is red and not black?
My blood is purple.
No! It´s more pink like the light that shines bright from my heart,
filled with love for a world that doesn´t exist. Yet.
They are standing with their backs to each other but holding hands. Tight.
Never willing to let go the other.
One day they will turn to each other and the final truth will be seen.
I´m sitting here listening to Mike Skinner and should be asleep by now. But then, who says that I should be asleep?
Weird stuff I see through the world wide web. Fake nose hair and cancer-awereness-coffee. I probably spend too much time with it. In it. Yes. Probably. But I can tell that it is more eye opening than somehow destructive. Most of my heart people, which are maybe 2-3 human beings, living not close to me. Not even in ‘my’ country. What the hell? I haven´t even chosen it, it happened and it´s not easy. No. So hooray for the www and social network that keeps us connected. One day soon baby…
The Streets, sad lyrics but then uplifting. Skinner is a fucking smart ass but I don´t want his dick. “Just try stayin´ positive” someone´s singing on the Original Pirate Material. Fits my day and what at least three people have told me. Jeez… Now I´m blinded by the lights and laughing about the daily comedy that life offers us. Us… Me, us. It´s hilarious and I´m crying, again. All I want is, that the system doesn´t WANT me to function. I want to function myself and that´s pressure enough. And I think I function quite fine. But only in my universe it seems. Not enough for the ‘real life’. But ja, fuck it. I´m sick talking about it. And the the plan, the path is already there, I just can´t see it clear, figuring out where it leads to and I think that makes me nervous. But I like surprises. I always did. And still do. Dry your eyes mate he says… My tears have been dry tears for a long time now.
I want to go back, it was easier then. But was it the truth? I´m afraid it wasn´t. And I hate ‘easy’. My skin is fucking dry and I can peel it off like a snake does it with it´s skin. I take it as another sign. Rebirth it is and he´s singing “you fit but my gosh don´t you know it?”… No I don´t but I do.
The irony of it all, yes yes oh yay! *drops the mic
But who tells us what reality is? Maybe our fantasies and dreams are the so called reality. They don´t get manipulated by society or do they? I am afraid they do. Too much time we spend with shit others want from us. Why? Why can´t we just live our dreams, our fantasies? Because there are rules we have to follow, because then we couldn´t be part of the society anymore. Well okay then. I don´t wanna be a part of this sick theatre, I never wanted to be. Nobody has asked me if I want to be here at all but I am here and not able to be. I´m not even allowed to laugh loud cos that disturbs & annoys some people. Are you fucking kidding me??? They try to hold you down right from the start. Bad luck for them as I am not giving up to BE. Fucking clowns, taking shit too fucking serious that even a smile hurts their poor faces. Grey from all their anger, their missed chances and their boring 9-5 lifes. Do I want a 9-5 life?
In my fantasies there´s no time at all. There´s freedom and beautiful madness.
Lots of love, art and cum. Breath taking nature, the cleanest air you can imagine and one billion stars in the night sky. No time.
Naked skin in cold nights that keeps me warm, maybe a fire maybe not.
I am fire, I am water. My colours are red, blue and green. Can you smell the trees?
The green trees when the day is dawning and we wake up and there is no time existing.
I don´t want to go back. I want to stay here. With you. Not alone but free to be.
That is reality. Everything else is a lie. I need to escape that lie. No, not escape. Just saying goodbye… Hello now, hello future, hello fantasies.
She told me ‘aggressive’ is good as it would spread the poison quick through my body.
They´ve never told me how aggressive it was and I didn´t want to know to be honest.
A friend read through all the papers I got from them and said “Fuck, that´s evil!”.
She didn´t know that I wanted to get as less information as possible. Now I knew and fear overwhelmed me for a while.
But they said “aggressive is good”. I believed them and they were right.
At the end they told me that cases like mine don´t happen to them often and that they high fived each other after they have talked about my results.
I should have been happy, right? Well, I was. I went to town to buy too expensive Nikes to treat myself. It felt weird.
And now? All back to normal after 14 months? What the fuck does that even mean? Normal… There´s NOTHING like normal.
Everything that was before feels like a lie, like I was lying to myself most time of my life. No way I gonna go back. Not like that.
The huge fuck up comes afterwards. Not many do understand and you feel alone and misunderstood. But hey, I´ve known that feeling from ‘before’ already. This time it just burns itself deeper in your system and it hurts.
Figure out for what reason you have survived.
I think I know but can´t put it in words.
I know the path will be rocky but what awaits on the way and at its end is infinite truth and I won´t feel lost anymore.
We will be home.